Today has been a very "blah" mood. I woke up not feeling well, and my mood has just dampened throughout the day. I've just been irritable, and sad. Every little thing seems to set me off today. I've just been feeling so incredibly lonely. I miss my friends. I have no one to talk to in college. Absolutely no one. In between classes I sit by myself under shaded trees and just read until my next class starts. I just can not seem to make a bond with anyone. I miss my friends. I miss seeing them everyday. I miss sharing jokes and stuff with people who understand. I miss being with people who actually understand me. I hardly see Sadaf anymore, and we're still in the same town. I am so filled with jealousy when people update their statuses/twitter/dailybooth/etc. saying how much of a good time they're having in college I mean, I'm happy for them, but I'm so insanely jealous that they seem to be living it up while I'm stuck at home...not living it up. For merlin's sake, I don't even have friends at my college. There's Heather and Sami, but they're a year and 2 years older than me, and their classes are when I have break. I do have my costuming class with Sami, but that's it. I love Heather and Sami, but we've never really bonded as much as me and my other friends. They're great people, don't get me wrong. I love hanging out with them, but I miss my friends from last year.
And it's not that I even miss high school, because I don't. I hated high school, but I made the most best friends ever.
I feel like I just completely failed myself. I feel like I didn't try hard enough to get away. I feel like I'm going to end up like my mom and stay in this god forsaken hicktown forever, and oh god, everything is just caving down on top of me and I'm gasping desperately for air. My mind has just been trailing off so much lately, and I can hardly make coherent sentences anymore. I hardly talk to anyone anymore. I just keep to myself. Why do I do this?
I miss you. I miss you so much. I'm fooling no one but myself. I miss you. I hate missing something that was, and never will be mine.
I guess I've become so used to the feeling of loneliness, that it's become the only thing I know how to feel. Loneliness and missing you. I guess they go hand in hand.
How am I going to make it out of this labyrinth with my sanity intact? How will I make it out alive? I wonder if I'll meet the same fate as Alaska. Straight and Fast, but will I be the destruction of myself? I fear it, I really do.
Okay, for the sake of depressing anyone who is reading this, I'll talk about the good things about my day.
My copies of MockingJay and Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour, Volume 6 finally arrived in the mail. I've been waiting forever, and now I can finally read MockingJay! I'm so excited, gah. I love The Hunger Games trilogy.
School was nice today. Laid back. I was really exhausted for some reason. I guess feeling ill had something to do with that. My theatre teacher is so funny and always has the best lectures. Today he talked about how much he liked Michael Cera. xD Anyone who likes Michael Cera, I like them. :]
I have recently made a new friend named Vanessa. I seriously think our souls were like, separated from each other at one point in time, because seriously, she is JUST like me. We like all the same stuff, and have all the same thoughts, views, and pretty much agree on everything. She's just fantastic. I met her through Youtube and she lives all the way in Massachusetts, but she's one of the first people to comment on my first video and say how much she likes it and that I should keep it up.:] We talk everyday on Skype. :] She makes videos as well, and has a rad singing voice.
Well, I should be going to bed soon, but I'm not really that tired because I took a small nap today, so I'm going to watch Drop Dead Diva, then read, then maybe bed.
Good night.
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