Being a Zombie

Yeah, yeah, it's 1 a.m., which means I'm late again.blegh.
I've felt really ill today, again. My immune system is pretty much crap, and I should probably go to the doctor's for check ups and such, but I'm so bloody afraid of the hospital.
Good news though, the swelling in my face has finally gone away, and I can now get a good night's sleep without waking up from the excruciating pain coming from my face. It was the most weirdest experience of my life.

Now, being a Zombie. Do you ever get that feeling where you're just walking through life aimlessly? That you just go through the motions of life? I have felt like that quite a lot lately. I feel like I just do things just because I need to get through them, and not really having any fun while doing so. I've been in such a funk lately, even my grandma noticed when I wasn't really aware that I was walking around looking all sad all the time. It's not that I really feel that sad even. I mean, yeah, I miss a lot of my friends, which comes with the territory of starting your first year of college, but there's really nothing else that's making me so "blah". But, I just feel like I'm only going through the necessary motions of life right now. Wake up. School. Look for a job. Home. Homework. Repeat. Every day. The same thing over and over, it really is. I don't have anyone at school to hang out with, half of my friends have moved away, and the ones that are still stuck in this stupid town like I am, well, we still never see each other. I just feel like a zombie, trudging through life without a distinct purpose. God knows that I definitely do NOT miss high school at all, but I do miss my friends.  I don't want to be a zombie. I'm lonely, so very lonely.
The hair pulling has come back....and it's not from stress this time...it's just from being lonely.

I guess it's just because I'm not very happy with my surroundings. I love California, but I hate this town. I feel like a failure because I only got accepted by one college, and it was my last resort college. I had so many great plans, I was going to get out of here and have such a fun time discovering myself in college, but I'm still the same person, I'm just getting older and getting more lonely. I'm not branching out. For crying out loud, I've been in school for almost a month and I haven't made a single new friend. Luckily, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I only have one class, so right after I can go home, but on Mondays and Wednesdays, I have a two hour period in between my first and second class, so I either sit in this extremely shaded place, reading, or when it's hot, in my car reading. And I'm not that person. I'm a friendly person, I'm sociable, I like meeting new people, but lately I just can't. Or I feel like I just can't be bothered by it, or it doesn't matter.

Maybe that's good. It's probably best that I don't get too attached to anyone this year and next, because after my two years, I'll have enough transfer credits to either try and transfer to Washington again, or study abroad. I think I've decided to study abroad. The drama study abroad program for the UK is in Hull, and the school looks magnificent. It's three hours away from London, which makes me sad, but hey, it's still in England.

I'm so all over the place. If you've read this and kept up with me, thank you.